One of my favorite things about hosting What Great Teachers Know That All Parents Can Use is discovering how much wisdom from schools applies around the kitchen table.

But in my May 15 podcast conversation with Rebecca Malotke-Meslin, leadership coach, speaker, and founder of Pleasantly Aggressive, I was struck by something even bigger:

Parenting is not just teaching. Parenting is leadership.

And the best leaders — like the best parents — are both strong and kind.

Rebecca works with school leaders on communication, emotional regulation, and difficult conversations. And as we talked, I kept thinking: Parents need these exact same skills.

Because whether we are talking with a toddler about hitting, an elementary child about friendship, a middle schooler about texting, or a teenager about dating, drinking, grades, college, or independence — we are leading. And leadership means we cannot always choose comfort.

Strong + Kind parents pause long enough to ask:

What is my actual goal for this conversation?

Rebecca made the important point that our goal often cannot be, “I want my child’s behavior to change immediately.”

Of course, that may be our long-term hope. But the goal of one conversation (of many!) might be:

• I want to communicate clearly.
• I want to listen with curiosity.
• I want my child to know I am not afraid to talk about hard things.
• I want to stay regulated.
• I want to keep the door open for the next conversation.

That is one of the paradoxes I write about in The Paradoxes of Parenting: we have to lead with authority and humility at the same time. We are responsible for guiding our children, but we are not in control of their hearts, choices, or futures. Parenting asks us to be both brave and surrendered. And one of the bravest things we can do is stop avoiding the conversations we know we need to have. Rebecca reminds us,

“Bad news is not like fine wine. It does not age well.” She added, “Do not procrastinate, do not put this off. The situation will not just improve on its own.”

Whew. That one stings a little.

But it is also freeing.

Hard conversations do not have to be perfect to be faithful. They do not have to be dramatic to be meaningful. They do not have to solve everything to matter. They just need a parent willing to start the conversation.

Strong + Kind Tip by Age

Ages 2–5: Be clear, simple, and calm.

At this age, leadership looks like short words, steady tone, and immediate repair.

Instead of launching into a long explanation, try:

“I won’t let you hit. You are mad, and I will help you.”

This is strong because it sets a boundary.
It is kind because it names the feeling and stays connected.

For little children, your calm body is often more powerful than your words.

 

Ages 6–10: Practice the conversation before correcting.

Children in this stage are old enough for reflection, but young enough to feel easily shamed. Before you talk about lying, friendship drama, disrespect, screen time, or chores, write down the first two sentences you want to say.

Try:

“I want to talk about what happened, and you are not in trouble for having big feelings. My job is to help you learn what to do next.”

Rebecca’s advice to practice out loud matters here. If we want our tone to be calm and clear, we may need to hear ourselves say it before we say it to our child.

Ages 11–15: Don’t let awkwardness make you avoidant.

This is the age when parents are most tempted to delay conversations because the topics feel bigger: phones, sexuality, friendships, vaping, alcohol, mental health, language, online behavior, dating, or social status.

Try this:

“I want to talk with you about something important. I’m not trying to embarrass you or trap you. I want to be clear, and I also want to hear what you think.”

Rebecca said one of the keys is to “listen for the fear.”

If your child gets defensive, underneath that defensiveness might be fear:
You don’t trust me.
You think I’m bad.
I’m losing freedom.
I’m not enough.

Strong + Kind parents keep their eye on the real issue without forgetting the heart of the child in front of them.

Ages 16+: Respect their growing adulthood without giving up your leadership.

Older teens still need parents who will have hard conversations. They just need those conversations to sound less like control and more like leadership, coaching, and honest guidance.

Try:

“I know you are becoming an adult, and I respect that. I also love you too much to avoid this conversation.”

Then be direct. Be warm. Be clear.

Rebecca reminded us, “Clear is kind.” She explained that unclear communication leaves people confused about what to do next. For older teens, clarity is a form of respect.

You can say:

“Here is what I am concerned about. Here is what I am asking. Here is what I am willing to discuss. Here is what is not negotiable.”

That is leadership.
That is Strong + Kind.

This Week’s Parenting Practice

Think of one conversation you have been avoiding.

Write down:

1. What do I need to say clearly?
2. What is my goal for this one conversation?
3. What fear might be underneath my child’s reaction?
4. What can I say if I need to pause and come back to it?

Try this exit line:

“I want to think about this before I say more. Let’s come back to it tonight after dinner.”

That one sentence can save you from saying something you regret. As Rebecca wisely shares, “It doesn’t get easier, but you get better.”

That is true of hard conversations.

And it is true of parenting.

Want More?

My conversation with Rebecca Malotke-Meslin launched May 15 on What Great Teachers Know That All Parents Can Use. Please listen, like, share, and send it to a friend who is trying to become a stronger, kinder leader at home.

And if this idea resonates with you, I would be so grateful for your support of my new book, The Paradoxes of Parenting: Spiritual and Practical Wisdom for Everyday Parenting. You can support the launch by buying the book, leaving a review, liking, and sharing it with others.

Three simple ways to help this work reach more parents:

1. Listen to the May 15 podcast episode with Rebecca Malotke Meslin.
2. Buy, review, like, and share The Paradoxes of Parenting.
3. Forward this newsletter to two friends who might find it helpful.

And if your family needs a fresh start this summer, my Family Reset is on sale now through May 31.

In a Family Reset, I help you learn how to hold family meetings in real time, have more fun together, reset routines that are not working, and lead your family with more clarity, connection, and confidence.

Because parents are leaders.

And our children need leaders who are strong enough to tell the truth and kind enough to stay connected while they do.

With you in it,

Peyten