Empowerment Over Enabling: Building Resilience

Friend,
When my child was in Kindergarten, we once arrived at school only to discover he wasn’t wearing shoes. We were already late, and going home wasn’t an option. So my child spent the day in socks. Was I tempted to rescue? Of course. But that moment taught responsibility far more effectively than if I had fixed it for them. 

This is the heart of empowerment:  Preparing our children for the path—not removing the path’s challenges. Enabling often feels like love, but it can unintentionally communicate: “You can’t do this without me.” Over time, it can lead to anxiety, helplessness, and low confidence.

Empowerment builds capability, resilience, and a sense of significance. 

Ages 2–5: Let Them Try

We tend to do things for young children because it’s faster—tying shoes, zipping coats, carrying backpacks, packing bags. But they learn through effort and repetition.

Try:

“What do you need in order to get ready?”
“Do you want to try it on your own or with a little help?”
Build extra time into your routine so learning can happen.

Ages 6–10: Resist the Rescue

Kids forget homework, struggle with friendships, and earn disappointing grades. Instead of fixing the problem for them, coach them through it.

Use Wise Feedback (David Yeager): “I have high expectations for you AND I know you can do this.”

Ask:“What did you learn?”
“What’s your plan for next time?”
“What support do you need?”

Ages 11–16: Hold High Standards Without Defending or Excusing

Middle and high school years are where enabling can become most harmful. We all know the names: helicopter parent, snowplow parent, bulldozer parent. The common thread? Clearing obstacles so our children don’t experience discomfort, consequences, or failure. But when we remove all struggle, we unintentionally remove growth.

Children begin to believe: “I can’t handle life without someone fixing it for me.” 

Signs we’ve crossed into enabling:
* Feeling defensive when receiving feedback about our child
* Making excuses for their choices rather than holding them accountable
* Blaming others (teachers, coaches, peers) to protect our child’s image
* Saying: “My child would never do that… they’re just bored… the teacher is the problem… you’re singling out my child.”

Are there times when adults mishandle situations or need to improve? Yes. And we can advocate respectfully without excusing our child’s part or removing their responsibility to learn from it.  

Try this response instead:
“Thank you for bringing this to my attention. How can I support my child in improving? We value high standards for behavior and academics, and I appreciate you upholding the same. I have a few thoughts on how we might partner moving forward—would you be open to hearing them? I’m open to suggestions from you about how to help my child.” 

The Bottom Line

Empowerment doesn’t mean stepping back—it means shifting from doing for to teaching and believing in our children as they learn to do for themselves. 

They gain confidence by trying, capability through practice, and resilience through solving problems—not by being rescued. We can love our children deeply and allow them to struggle, learn, and grow. 

With you in it,
Peyten

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