I remember so vividly when a friend was sharing a parenting strategy with me for when kids fight—something she called the three B’s.

I looked at her skeptically and said, “That won’t work when they’re pummeling each other.”

Wide-eyed, she responded incredulously, “Your kids physically fight?”

I started laughing. “That’s pretty much the only fighting they do.”

If your kids mostly fight verbally, then yes—by all means, I highly recommend the three B’s. But when disagreements turn physical, we’re not just worried about emotional regulation anymore—we’re worried about safety.

So let’s talk about what actually helps when kids of any age are shutting down, blowing up, or crossing physical boundaries.

There are two kinds of work here: proactive and reactive. Let’s start with the proactive—the things you can do ahead of time to prevent fights before they start.

Proactive Work: Preventing the Blow-Ups

1. Look for patterns.
When do your children fight most often?

• A certain time of day?
• Over a specific toy?
• When they’re bored?
• When you’re working and they don’t have your attention?

Often, prevention is less about discipline and more about anticipation.

If fights reliably erupt around 4:00 p.m. when everyone’s hungry and cooped up, plan a 3:30 snack and an hour outside.

If boredom or competition over one toy is the trigger, talk through options ahead of time—before emotions are high.

2. Protect daily “Special Time.”
Plan 10 minutes of intentional, one-on-one Special Time with each child every day—beyond your normal routines.

Read together. Shoot hoops. Snuggle and talk.
When children feel securely connected, sibling rivalry decreases. This is one of the most powerful (and overlooked) preventive tools we have.

3. Teach problem-solving when everyone is calm.
This is where joint problem solving from Positive Discipline becomes invaluable.

Joint Problem Solving (remember, this is PROACTIVE)

Step 1: Connect and get curious.

“I notice that when your brother calls you names, you end up hitting him. Can you tell me what’s going on inside your body when that happens?”

Key reminders:

• Neutral face
• Listening more than talking
• No correcting yet

Step 2: State expectations clearly and calmly.
Reflect what you heard and set a boundary.

“I hear how overwhelming that feels. I also need to be clear that hurting someone physically is not okay. So we need another plan.”

Step 3: Brainstorm together.
The goal is awareness—helping kids recognize their body cues and response options beyond physically responding.

Write ideas down. Even the silly ones. Then talk through which actually help.

Step 4: Choose one solution to try that is acceptable to both of you.
This is a joint effort, not a lecture.

Step 5: Set a check-in.
Put it on the calendar. “Let’s see how this goes and talk again in a week.”

This proactive work does a lot of heavy lifting before conflict escalates.

Reactive Work: When the Fight Is Already Happening

Sometimes the horse is out of the barn. You’re at your in-laws’ house. Sugar and screens are involved. And your kids are rolling around like cats and dogs—and not in a cute way.

Here’s how to respond in the moment.

1. Start with yourself.
Notice your body. Your tone. Your volume.

Screaming at fighting kids doesn’t restore regulation. Take a breath. Remember it’s your job be the adult in the room. You’re parenting for the long term.

2. Stop the behavior.
Calmly and firmly tell them to stop.
If they’re small, physically separate them.
If they’re bigger, enlist help if needed.

3. Separate and regulate.
Each child needs space to reset their nervous system.

Skip screens. Try:

• A walk outside
• Coloring or Legos
• Music
• Shooting hoops alone
• Snuggling a favorite object

Take as much time as needed—for them and for you.

Restoring the Relationship

Once everyone is calm, focus on repair.

 

Individually, ask:
“Tell me what happened.”

Reflect without blame:
“So it sounds like X happened. Anything to add?”

Then:
“It always takes two to tango. If this were a pie, what’s your slice?”

Finally:
“What do you need to help restore the relationship? What do you think your sibling needs from you?”

Guide them toward empathy, responsibility, and repair—without rushing.

Fights can feel inevitable, especially during long stretches at home or high-stimulus seasons.

But you’re not powerless—and you don’t need to perform perfect parenting for the people watching. Some of my worst parenting happens when I’m worried about what others think of my kids. Do this work in private when you can. It’s easier on you—and far more respectful to them.

With you in it,
Peyten