I think this might be one of my worst fears as a parent. That my kids will either become the kid who is bullied or become the bully. Maybe you feel the same… 

But I have good news.

We have influence. There are qualities that we can work to cultivate in our kids by the way we show up in our homes. 

When Bullying Shows Up, It’s Often About Status, Belonging, and Significance

If you’ve ever wondered why some kids bully (and why others seem to get targeted), research points to a pattern that can be surprisingly clarifying:

• Kids who bully are often socially dominant, popular, and well-connected—and aggression becomes a tool to maintain status.
• Kids who are bullied are more likely to be socially isolated, anxious, or low in self-esteem. They don’t feel like they belong.
• Bully-victims (kids who bully and are bullied) often struggle most: impulsivity, poor social skills, high anger, and low support.

Here’s the parenting hope: we can’t control every social dynamic, but we can shape the home environment where our kids learn what to do with power, how to build belonging, and why they matter.

That’s where Strong + Kind parenting is so protective:

• We maintain healthy leadership in our home (not harshness).
• We problem-solve with our kids (not power over them).
• We build belonging and significance on purpose—so kids don’t chase it through domination… or assume they don’t deserve it.

Ages 2–5: Build the Basics of Power, Belonging, and “I Matter”

• Strong + Kind leadership (status): Hold calm, confident boundaries with simple choices. “You may have the red cup or the blue cup. Hitting is not an option.” (Status in your home comes from your steadiness, not intensity.)
• Belonging (at home + peers): Practice “friendship scripts” in play: “Can I play?” “You can have a turn next.” Then narrate belonging at home: “In this family, everyone gets to be included.”
• Significance (I matter): Give one small “real job” that contributes daily: feeding the pet, matching socks, watering a plant. Say: “You helped our family. You’re important here.”
• Beat The Bully Script: “Stop. I don’t like that. I’m going to my grown-up.”

Ages 6–10: Teach Social Skills Without Shame

• Strong + Kind leadership (status): Use problem-solving instead of punishments or shame that escalate power struggles. “Something’s not working. What happened? What do you need? What’s our plan for next time?”
• Belonging (at home + friends): Create one consistent weekly “connection anchor” (Friday pancake night, Saturday walk, Tuesday game). Then help them choose one peer-connection step each week: invite one friend over, send a kind text, join a club—belonging grows with repetition.
• Significance (I matter): Notice strength and character specifically: “You showed courage walking away.” “You used leadership to include someone.” Kids who feel significance don’t have to prove it with power.
• Beat the Bully Script: “Don’t talk to me like that—stop, or I’m walking away”

Ages 11–15: Replace Social Power Games with Real Confidence

• Strong + Kind leadership (status): Stay the steady adult—especially when emotions spike. Keep consequences logical and respectful, not harsh. “I’m on your team. And I’m still the adult. We’ll handle this calmly and firmly.” (want help? check out this podcast episode with Lori Cohen!)
• Belonging (at home + friends): Protect against social isolation by building a “belonging plan.” Help them identify two safe people (a friend + an adult) and one consistent group (team, youth group, club). Then ask weekly: “Where did you feel connected this week? Where did you feel alone?”
• Significance (I matter + I have a voice): Make room for respectful “no” at home by practicing a simple script—“I hear you. You can disagree and still be respectful. Tell me your no, and give me a better plan.” When kids are allowed to push back appropriately with you, they’re more likely to believe they can use their voice with peers, too. And do it in a respectful way. 
• Beat the Bully Script: “That’s not okay—leave me alone, I’m done with this conversation.”

Ages 16+: Coach for Integrity, Influence, and “Use Your Power Well”

• Strong + Kind leadership (status): Shift from control to collaboration while staying clear on non-negotiables. “I trust you with more freedom, and I expect responsibility. Let’s agree on the plan—and what happens if it breaks down.”
• Belonging (at home + friends): Help them practice healthy belonging: encourage one “high-quality circle” (a few safe friends) over chasing popularity. Concrete move: help them plan one weekly in-person touchpoint—coffee, workout, youth group, study session—so face to face connection is scheduled, not left to chance.
• Significance (I matter): Invite them into adult-level impact: mentoring younger kids, service, coaching, leading an initiative. Then reflect: “Your influence is real. The question isn’t whether you have power—it’s how you use it.”
• Beat the Bully Script: “I’m not engaging with disrespect—back off.”

Strong + Kind: How We Make This Who They Are

Start with a value:

• All humans have dignity. Your child. The child who bullies. The child who is bullied. Every person.

Build the social-emotional skill of dignity at home:

• We practice respect, repair, empathy, boundaries, and calm leadership in everyday moments.

Adopt the perspective:

• “My child deserves dignity at home—and I expect them to treat others with dignity too.”

Use tools that match that value:

• Positive Discipline Tool Cards
• Ross Greene’s collaborative problem-solving approach
• Remaining calm while disciplining (Lori Cohen episode on What Great Teachers Know)

Then practice until it becomes identity. Try again. Over time, kids internalize:

“I can be significant without making someone else feel small—and no one has the right to make me feel small so they can feel significant.”

With you in it,
Peyten