I’m writing this newsletter from a hotel room in Chattanooga, where I just got to attend day 1 of a teaching and learning conference. I love going to conferences not only because I get to meet cool people, but also because i get to learn up-to-date research and practices that can help me (and you!) be a better parent. 

What I learned that all parents should know 

I got to see speaker Jared Cooney Horvath, whom you may know from his hot new book The Digital Delusion: How Classroom Technology Harms Our Kids’ Learning– And How to Help Them Thrive Again. After hearing him speak, I can’t wait to read the book!

Not only was he a fantastic speaker, but he also gave me a perspective shift that will make me a stronger and more kind parent. 

Perspective Shift: Practice Doesn’t Make Perfect

Horvath is a neuroscientist, so he talked about how the brain learns. One of his key messages was that we cannot learn without repetition. To master something, we must practice. 

Well, of course, you say. That’s not news.

But here’s the shift. Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes permanent.

Whatever you do over and over again (or even THINK over and over again) creates stronger and stronger neural pathways. Our brains want to automate skills for us. It’s why driving a car at first was really hard and required all your thinking, but now you can get from home to your children’s school and not even remember the drive. You’ve mastered driving because you’ve practiced so much, your brain has automated much of the work. It made your driving skills “permanent.”

What does this mean for parenting? 

1. We can’t expect our kids to learn anything without repetition. A lot of it. Turns out, learning takes time. Which can be annoying when we’ve “told them a million times,” but maybe they haven’t practiced a million times.
2. You know that old saying, “how you practice is how you play?” Well, if you want practice to make perfect, you have to practice perfectly. When your child sits down to learn, whether it be how to load the dishes or how to do calculus, however they practice is how they’re going to play. (Mom, you were right, neatness counts!)
3. You’re likely not going to be great at trying new parenting skills right off the bat. You need to practice. And practice again. Don’t give up on trying a new parenting tool if it doesn’t go well the first few times. You (and your child) need intentional and thoughtful repetition. 

How can I use this with my kids? 

Ages 2-5

• Practice the micro-skill, not the “big behavior.” Rehearse tiny steps like “hands to self,” “gentle voice,” “walk to the door,” or “put shoes in the basket”—then repeat it the same way every day.
• Make repetition playful and predictable. Turn routines into short scripts: “First ___, then ___,” songs for cleanup, or a 10-second “try again” with a redo (“Let’s practice asking for a turn.”).
• Practice your response, too. Pick one calm phrase you’ll repeat (“I won’t let you hit. I’m here to help.”). Your consistency becomes their regulation pathway.

Ages 6-10

• Pre-practice before the real moment. Role-play common trouble spots (losing a game, sibling conflict, transitions) for 2 minutes when everyone is calm.
• Repeat the repair routine. Use the same steps after a blow-up: calm body → name feeling → make it right → plan for next time. Repetition makes accountability and resilience feel normal.
• Praise the process you want to “wire in.” Highlight effort, strategy, and self-control (“You kept trying,” “You used your words,” “You took a breath and restarted.”), not just outcomes.

Ages 11-15

• Normalize awkward practice. Tell them growth is supposed to feel clunky—then repeat specific skills: starting hard conversations, apologizing, organizing a plan, studying in focused bursts.
• Practice thinking patterns, not just actions. When they spiral, rehearse a repeatable reframe: “What’s one thing I can control?” “What’s the next right step?” “What would I tell a friend?”
• Make reps small and real. One “daily rep” beats a big lecture: one text they send, one chore they own, one 15-minute homework sprint, one respectful restart after sarcasm.

Ages 16+ 

• Treat life skills like training, not traits. Driving, budgeting, time management, conflict at work, advocating with a teacher—these require reps with feedback, not “they should know by now.”
• Practice autonomy with guardrails. Let them run the plan (schedule, deadlines, communication), then debrief: what worked, what didn’t, what to repeat next week.
• Repeat your relationship habits. Keep a consistent rhythm of connection—short check-ins, shared car chats, one weekly “reset” conversation—because trust is built through repeated moments.

This week, instead of aiming for perfect parenting, let’s aim for intentional practice—because the patterns we repeat are the ones our kids (and we) will live out permanently.

With you in it,
Peyten

Bowbend Recommends

New Podcast Episode January 15

The Parent Ecosystem: A Foundation for Your Child’s Mental Health on What Great Teachers Know That All Parents Can Use

Lori Cohen, educator, consultant and author of Integrating Educator Well-Being, Growth and Evaluation , chats with me about a topic that is foundational to a child’s well-being: the power of a parent’s well-being. Drawing on her extensive experience as a teacher and her work with educators, Lori uses the metaphor of an “ecosystem” to help us understand schools—and how the adults (educators and families/caregivers) are a crucial part of their child’s emotional landscape.

Lori will share practical, proactive strategies parents can use to create well-being, from simple mindset shifts to everyday habits. 

This conversation is an essential guide for any parent who wants to be a strong, steady anchor for their child and create a healthy ecosystem at home.