It’s Winter/Spring Break time! I’ve heard stories of friends traveling to see family, vacationing in faraway places, staying home to rest, or finally tackling the closets and clutter. 

Whatever you chose to do, you were really aiming at something deeper—a value. And when the break is over, your sense of whether it was “successful” usually comes down not just to whether you did the activity, but whether it moved you toward the state you were hoping for.

Maybe you planned a beach trip because what you really wanted was to relax and connect as a family. If that happened, you likely came home content—even if nothing was “perfect.” But if the beach was beautiful and the kids had fun, yet you felt overbooked, overstimulated, and disconnected, you may have felt a quiet disappointment… even though, technically, the trip “worked.”

That’s a lot like parenting.

For a short season, we have these children to raise. And, we spend a lot of time thinking about what we’re going to do with them—sports, schools, routines, consequences, opportunities. But if we want to avoid getting to the end of these years with a vague sense of regret we need to return to the deeper question:

Who are we hoping our kids become?

The tension parents live in 

What’s even tricker is that most of us are not trying to raise kids who are only one thing.

We don’t just want kind kids—we want kids who are also assertive.
We don’t just want obedient kids—we want kids who also have a voice.
We don’t just want independent kids—we want kids who stay connected.
We don’t just want successful kids—we want kids with character.

This is one reason parenting can feel so hard: we are often aiming toward two good values at once.

(I’m writing more about these tensions from a Christian parenting perspective in my upcoming book, Paradoxes of Parenting —Spiritual and Practical Wisdom for Everyday Parenting. Click for more info!)

How can I use this with my kids?

Ages 2–5

Common tension: Obedience + Voice
At this age, parents often feel the tension between wanting children to listen and wanting them to become people who can speak up.

• How we can go wrong: We over-emphasize obedience (“because I said so” all day) or over-emphasize endless negotiation and accidentally hand over adult leadership.
• What to watch for (evidence of success): Your child can follow simple boundaries and express preferences/feelings with words (“I don’t like that,” “Can I have a turn?”).
• What to say/do: Hold the boundary while making room for voice: “You may be upset, and the answer is still no. You can use your words and I will listen.”

Ages 6–10

Common tension: Kindness + Assertiveness
At this age, many kids are learning friendship dynamics, and parents often worry about raising a child who is either too passive or too harsh.

• How we can go wrong: We over-emphasize “be nice” and unintentionally teach people-pleasing, or we overcorrect toward toughness and call it confidence.
• What to watch for (evidence of success): Your child can be inclusive and caring without giving up their boundaries (e.g., can say no, walk away, or speak up respectfully).
• What to say/do: Coach a “kind and clear” script: “You can be kind and still be firm—try: ‘No thanks, I don’t want to play like that.’”

Ages 11–15

Common tension: Independence + Connection
As kids move toward adolescence, parents often feel pulled between giving more freedom and holding onto closeness.

• How we can go wrong: We tighten control when they push away (which fuels secrecy), or we back off so much that we lose needed guidance and influence.
• What to watch for (evidence of success): Your child shows growing ownership (choices, routines, problem-solving) and still comes to you sometimes for help, honesty, or perspective.
• What to say/do: Name the tension out loud: “Part of growing up is wanting more independence, and part of my job is staying connected to you. Let’s figure out what more freedom with responsibility looks like.”

Ages 16+

Common tension: Achievement + Character
Older teens often face intense pressure around performance, and parents can feel the pull to prioritize outcomes over identity.

• How we can go wrong: We over-focus on grades, college, sports, or résumé-building and send the message that performance matters more than integrity, or we avoid all pressure and fail to teach discipline and follow-through.
• What to watch for (evidence of success): Your teen works hard toward goals and makes choices that reflect honesty, respect, and responsibility—even when no one is watching.
• What to say/do: Keep the deeper aim in view: “I care about your effort and your future—and I care just as much about who you’re becoming while you pursue it.”

Strong + Kind: Start with the end in mind

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is to get explicit about our goals for our kids (particularly the values and character ones!) and talk about them often. 

Try one of these strategies today

1) Pray or journal about one quality you hope for your children.

2) Ask your parenting partner: what will make us feel successful as parents when our kids are 27?

3) Ask your kids what are the qualities they think YOU want them to develop.

4) Give your kids a list of values/characteristics and ask them which ones they want to develop. Ask how you can support them.

5) When you give compliments at your next family meeting, praise the values you see them developing. What gets rewarded gets repeated! 

With you in it,
Peyten

PS. Want help thinking through your values or how to get on the same page with your partner about them? Reply to this email for more details about Strong and Kind Coaching. 

Bowbend Recommends

If you’re heading on vacation, here are some of my favorite travel gear items that have saved (and continue to save) my sanity!

A Car/Travel PottyFor potty training and more When you have young kids, long drives, and small bladders, this car potty comes in handy. Professional hack: stick some garbage bags in your car with you to use so you don’t have to clean it out.

Kid Sized BackpackMake Them Carry Their StuffOne of the best things you can do as a parent is to get your child involved in carrying their own weight. This builds independence, belonging, and significance! Try a kid sized backpack!

Share Port HeadphonesOne screen, shared laughsWhen our three kids would travel, I hated for them to be locked in to their own screens. We know that watching TOGETHER is better than alone. Voila, Shared port headphones, so they can all watch – and laugh- together!

A Bag of Fun Puzzle Books, Word Search, MoreThrow in some pens and a few activity books for those long waits at restaurants or times you want some screen free downtime! * Sudoku* Spot the Difference* Word Ladders * Murdle* Crosswords