“There is a well-known statement in the therapy world: We repeat what we don’t repair. Or, as Richard Rohr puts it, If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.”
— Sissy Goff, The Worry-Free Parent

I’ve been thinking about this quote all week.

It’s never been more clear to me in my own parenting that my social emotional intelligence impacts my children. 

Turns out, as we are, so our kids will be. Apples and trees and all that.

So this week’s newsletter is not about what you do with your kids. This is about what you do with you…so you can be better for your kids.

Because (as annoying and freeing as this is), you are the only person you can control anyway.

Your Social-Emotional Intelligence Matters…A Lot

When I talk about social-emotional intelligence in parenting, I mean growing in:

• self-awareness
• self-regulation
• empathy
• perspective-taking
• relational skill
• repair

One helpful image here is the Johari Window (used in leadership development for years).

The basic idea: the best leaders grow by expanding their “open” box (what I know about myself and others can see too) through reflection + feedback.

That’s parenting, too.

The more aware we are of our triggers, patterns, fears, and habits, the less likely we are to let them run the room.

And the research is clear that how parents handle emotions matters. Gottman’s work on “emotion coaching” links parents’ emotional coaching to stronger emotion regulation and better social/behavior outcomes in kids.

What this can look like in different stages of parenting

 

If you are pregnant (The PreGame Warmup)

Common pitfall: assuming parenting starts when the baby arrives, instead of preparing your partnership and emotional patterns before the stress spike.

• What to look for in yourself: conflict avoidance, anxiety spikes, unresolved family-of-origin triggers, different expectations around roles, rest, money, and support.
• What to do to build SEL: consider pre-parent counseling (like pre-marital counseling, but for the transition to parenthood). It can help you build language, shared expectations, and repair habits before you’re sleep-deprived. (I highly recommend Meredith Simmons for this work.)
• How this impacts your child: a healthier, more connected adult partnership creates a more regulated home environment from the start—which becomes the nervous-system “air” your baby grows in.

Your Kids Are Ages 0–5 (The Red Zone)

Common pitfall: reactivity. You’re exhausted, overstimulated, touched out, and often trying to survive the day.

• What to look for in yourself: snapping, resentment, scorekeeping with your spouse, shutdown after conflict, feeling constantly “on edge,” or swinging between harshness and permissiveness.
• What to do to build SEL: couples therapy, parent coaching, or both. My best early-parenting advice was to go to couples therapy preemptively so we built the habit before crisis. My husband and I have used it as preventative maintenance (quarterly) and more often in hard seasons.
• How this impacts your child: little kids borrow our nervous systems. As parents become more regulated and better at repair, children get more co-regulation, safety, and consistency—key ingredients for emotional development. 

Want help? I offer parent coaching for exactly this kind of “I don’t want to keep reacting this way” work. Reply to this email for details.

Your Kids Are Ages 6–10 (The Uber Zone)

Common pitfall: mistaking this “easier” stage for a stage where you don’t need support. 

• What to look for in yourself: low-grade anxiety, over-functioning, irritability, perfectionism, over-scheduling, trouble resting, or feeling disproportionately triggered by your child’s mistakes/social struggles.
• What to do to build SEL: this is a great stage for your own therapy or intentional healing work. 
• How this impacts your child: when you learn to manage worry without transferring it, your child is more likely to experience your guidance as calm leadership instead of pressure. 

If this is your stage: I’m teaching upcoming online workshops on Strong + Kind parenting and emotional leadership at home.

 

Your Kids Are Ages 11–15 (The Snark Zone)

Common pitfall: taking adolescent behavior personally and letting fear drive control. 

• What to look for in yourself: catastrophizing, lecturing, power struggles, monitoring everything, emotional flooding, or feeling wounded by normal adolescent differentiation.
• What to do to build SEL: build a reflection + feedback practice (hello, Johari Window). Journal after hard moments. Notice patterns. Ask a trusted spouse/friend/coach: “What happens to me when my child pushes back?” Therapy/coaching can be especially helpful here because this stage tends to surface old wounds and control patterns.
• How this impacts your child: teens need adults who are both steady and relational. When you regulate before responding, you increase the odds of connection, honesty, and influence (instead of escalation and secrecy). 

Need support for this stage? Parent coaching can help you stay strong and kind without swinging into harshness or helplessness.

Your Kids Are Ages 16+ (The Launch Pad)

Common pitfall: letting fear, grief, or accumulated stress hijack your leadership. This stage can carry a lot at once:

• teen independence/pushback/drama
• launch anxiety (“they’re leaving soon”)
• unresolved marital stress
• aging parents
• work pressure
• your own body keeping score
• What to look for in yourself: chronic tension, rumination, jaw clenching, sleep disruption, anger bursts, numbness, controlling behavior, or feeling emotionally “spent” by the time your teen needs you.
• What to do to build SEL: learn your body signals and practice body-based regulation (breathing, movement, sensory grounding, pausing before reacting). The Body Keeps the Score has helped many parents understand how stress shows up physically. Also, Nick Petrie/CCL’s stress work is a helpful reminder: pressure itself isn’t the whole problem—how we process it (including rumination) matters. 
• How this impacts your child: older teens are watching how you handle pressure, conflict, disappointment, and power. Your regulation becomes part of their blueprint for adulthood.  

A few ways to take the next step 

• Want personalized support? I offer parent coaching to help you grow your social-emotional intelligence and become the Strong + Kind Adult in the Room in your actual home, with your actual child. 
• Want a next step in community? Join one of my upcoming online parent workshops 
• Want a resource to start this week? Grab Sissy Goff’s The Worry-Free Parent
• Know a parent who needs this? Forward this email to a friend who is trying hard and could use support.

With you in it,
Peyten

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In this episode of What Great Teachers Know That All Parents Can Use, we sit down with Erin Carey, Executive Director of Trinity Presbyterian Preschool, to uncover why your child’s physical development is directly connected to their academic success, emotional regulation, and confidence. Erin explains why movement, motor development, and brain development in early childhood are the true foundations of learning, and how the way children move quite literally strengthens the brain, improving cognitive development, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills. 

We explore how young children’s brains develop through movement, why crossing the midline is critical for reading and writing readiness, and the link between fine motor skills and classroom success.