If you’re parenting long enough, you will eventually lose your cool.

You’re going to get angry, sad, and feel all the feels. It’s inevitable. Someone once told me about a helpful metaphor: Imagine you are the coke can, and parenting is shaking you up.  When the pressure builds and someone pops the top…EXPLOSION!

But if you tap on that coke can before you open it, the pressure releases and you’re explosion free. 

So today I want to share how to tap the side of the can—before, during, and after the chaos—so you have fewer blowups.

The Pre-Work (Before the Crazy Starts)

These are your “taps on the Coke can.”

1. Build in margin.
When you’re rushed, hungry, tired, or already behind, you’re far more likely to explode. When there’s time—even a little—your nervous system can stay regulated.

Allow more time than you think you need.

And if this feels impossible? That’s not a character flaw—it’s a systems problem.
If you want help evaluating your calendar and building realistic margin, I’d love to do that with you in a coaching session.

2. Pray (or practice a daily regulation ritual).
I’m a Christian, so I ask God—often—to help me with patience. Daily prayer in quiet time with God is essential for me as a patience builder.

But whatever your spiritual discipline, our brains benefit from a daily practice that slows us down and recenters us.
Prayer. Meditation. Stillness. Breathwork.

If you want something non-religious: try NSDR (Non-Sleep Deep Rest)—Andrew Huberman linked here. Five minutes a day can meaningfully lower your stress baseline.

Know What to Expect (Perspective Changes Everything)

How you interpret your child’s behavior will shape how you respond.

How you respond when you see your child’s behavior through the lens that they are hungry, tired, overstimulated, or developmentally limited is very different than how you will respond when you look through the lens that your child is “spoiled and selfish.”

Your perspective matters. Here are three crucial tools for taking the right perspective.

1. Know their developmental stage.
Children’s behavior makes far more sense when we understand what is age-appropriate.
I often recommend Yardsticks as a reality check for parents and educators alike.

2. Know how your child acts when they’re hungry or tired.
Don’t moralize it. Don’t lecture it.
Empathize—and meet the need. Snacks and sleep solve more problems than consequences ever will. And you can still follow up after to teach.

3. Assume good intent.
Ross Greene reminds us to start with this assumption:
Kids want to do well—and will do well if they can.

If your child isn’t meeting expectations, it’s likely a skill gap, not a motivation problem.
That curiosity lens comes straight from Raising Human Beings—and it changes everything.

When You’re REALLY Hot (In the Moment Tools)

This takes practice. Progress here looks like a J-curve, not a straight line.

1. Notice the mind–body connection.
You almost never go from calm to explosion instantly.

Pay attention to the early signs:

• Racing heart
• Tight shoulders
• Shallow breathing
• Buzzing in your head
• Clenched jaw or sweaty palms

When you notice them: breathe, pause, step outside, close your eyes, or remove yourself briefly.
Compassion, not judgment, is the goal.

2. Name the emotion.
Sometimes I say it out loud: “I am so angry right now.”

Naming emotions helps tame them.
With older kids, it’s okay to say:

“I’m really angry, and I want to respond well—but I can’t right now. I need a minute, and we’ll come back to this.”

That’s not weakness. That’s leadership.

I’m working on keeping my emotions in the passenger seat—not the driver’s seat of my life.

3. Pause the interaction if you can’t leave.
If you can’t physically step away, pause the conversation.

For little ones, it’s okay to put your child safely in their crib and walk away to regulate yourself.
Or tell your toddler you’re both going to your calm-down space and will problem-solve later (this aligns beautifully with the Positive Discipline tool of A Positive Time Out).

When You Lose It (Repair Matters Most)

None of us are perfect.

When we’re overwhelmed, our bodies can hijack our thinking brain, and we react from our survival brain—a concept explained so clearly by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

When that happens:

• Be compassionate with yourself
• Forgive yourself
• Then repair the relationship

You don’t have to apologize for feeling angry.
You apologize for what you did in your anger.

It can sound like this:

“I want to apologize for my tone. I shouldn’t have yelled—that wasn’t okay. When I’m angry, I need to cool off instead of raising my voice. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

That’s modeling accountability, emotional regulation, and humility—all at once.

Remember:

You’re human.
Your kids are human.
And growth is happening, even on the hard days.

You’re not alone in working to raise thriving children of character.

I’m with you in it,

Peyten