I’m not exaggerating with this title. This is 100% the most helpful parenting strategy. It is disarming. It works with kids of all ages. It not only solves current problems….it also does the work of shaping our kids into independent thinkers, confident problem solvers, and building a culture of mutual respect in our homes. 

What Is It? How do I start? 

The concept is actually not new. It stems from the brain science that we are wired for belonging and significance. Backed up by psychology from Alfred Adler. Explained by Joint Problem Solving in Positive Discipline. And now again, the concept has been researched and affirmed by Dr. Ross W. Greene.

In this book, Dr. Greene does a fantastic job of breaking down the why, the how, and the FAQ’s of this strategy. Much better than I can here. BUT, I’m going to try to give you an example at each age of what this might look like.

I learned this strategy a long time ago through Positive Discipline, and I’ve been using it ever since. But I really like how Greene breaks the concept down even more in his book. And he’s given me lots to think about.  

Ultimately, the idea is to reframe your interpretation of your child’s bad behavior. Change from thinking that they’re lazy or bad and instead frame your thinking wih these two assumptions.

1. Kids want to do well, and will do well if they can.
2. When children misbehave, it is because they are having trouble meeting your expectations. 

Joint Problem Solving

Greene calls this using Collaborative and Proactive Solutions. When we assume the above two frameworks as ways to look at our children’s mistakes and misbehavior, it enables us to respond in a way that isn’t one sided, shaming, blaming, lecturing or punishing. 

Instead, we try Plan B. 

We share what we notice.

We investigate with curiosity. (Connect)

We share our concerns. (Connect)

We brainstorm solutions together. (Correct and empower)

We choose one to try.

We follow up. 

Greene uses different terminology, but that’s what I remember and have internalized. 

How to Do This at Every Age

Kids Ages 2–5

Let’s pretend your child throws a temper tantrum when they have to share with little brother or sister. This is a strategy to use during a calm period. So wait to use it a while after the tantrum, when their emotions are calm. 

• Parent: (curious tone) “Hey, I’ve noticed you are having trouble sharing the legos with your sister. What’s going on?”
• Child: “I don’t want to share. They’re mine.”
• Parent: (Restate calmly with no judgement) “You don’t want to share. They are your legos.”
• Child: “Yes.”
• Parent: “Anything else that makes it hard to share?”
• Child: “She messes them up.”
• Parent: “your sister messes up your legos.”
• Child: “yes”
• Parent: “So to recap. You don’t want to share your legos. They are your legos. And you don’t like when your sister messes them up.” 
• Child: “yes”
• Parent: “I would like to share my concerns. When you and your sister fight over legos, it hurts your relationship. It is important to me that you learn how to share because sharing is important for life. Can we come up with some ideas about how to make it easier for you to share in a way that lets you feel ok about sharing and so your sister won’t mess them up?”
• Child: “Can we split up time? Or split into piles?”
• Parent: “Those are good ideas. I’ll write them down. Any other ideas? 
• Child: “Get sister her own legos.”
• Parent: “ok. Anything else?”
• Child: “no.”
• Parent: “Let’s decide together which way to solve this problem that will work best for both of us. We’ll try it today, and you can let me know how it goes. We’ll check in and see if it worked or if we need to change after nap today. Thanks for problem solving with me!”

Kids Ages 6–10

Let’s pretend your child is lying about brushing their teeth. This is a strategy to do NOT during teeth brushing time, but at another calm moment in between. 

• Parent: (curious tone) “Hey, I’ve noticed you are having trouble being consistent brushing your teeth. What’s going on?”
• Child: “I brush my teeth. What are you talking about?”
• Parent:(Restate calmly with no judgement) “I’ve noticed that even though you tell me you’ve brushed your teeth, your tooth brush isn’t wet, I can see food in your teeth, and at the last dentist appointment, the hygenist let us know that you need to do a better job of consistently brushing. So it seems like an issue, and I want to problem solve with you. What’s hard about it?.”
• Child: “Well, I’m always in a hurry in the morning and before bed I’m just tired.”
• Parent: “So mornings are rushed and at night you’re tired.”
• Child: “Yes”
• Parent: “Anything else?”
• Child: “No. Just that. Oh, and it hurts to brush them. I don’t like this tooth brush. and the tooth paste I have tastes gross.”
• Parent: “So to recap. Time is an issue and the pain and taste are too.” 
• Child: “yes”
• Parent: “I would like to share my concerns. Part of being a grown up is taking care of your body well. Teeth are hard to replace, and not only is it important to me that you’re heathy, it’s also not fun for others when you have bad breath. It’s also expensive for me if you have cavites. Can we come up with some ideas about how to solve this problem?”
• You and the child brainstorm ideas. You write them down. 
• You and the child decide together one or two strategies to try that work for BOTH OF YOU. Try it for a set amount of time, then check in. 

As you can see, this straetgy makes you a guide, it demonstrates trust in your child, it builds your relationship rather than pitting you against one another in a power struggle, it actually moves toward building skills and solving the problem, and it WORKS for kids of all ages. I just gave examples for younger kids, but this works BEAUTIFULLY with teenagers….and, frankly, adults.  

I dare you to give it a try. And don’t forget the J-curve of learning. You might be bad at this in the beginning. Keep trying! And if you need help, I’m one coaching call away.

Let’s raise thriving kids of character,

Peyten  

PS: If you’re not a book reader, check out the Positive Discipline Tool Cards. There is one just on Joint Problem Solving that can help break this down in a simple way.