Let me just say the quiet part out loud.

If you are a parent at an independent school — paying real tuition, making real sacrifices — there is a good chance that one of the reasons you chose that school is to improve your child’s chances of getting into a “good college.”

You may not say it at the admissions interview. You might not even admit it to yourself. But it’s there.

And here’s the thing: you’re not alone. Independent schools know it too. It’s part of the implicit promise — the connections, the college counselors, the reputation. The tension is real, and pretending it isn’t doesn’t make it go away.

So I’m not here to debate whether we should be thinking about college this early. I’m just naming the reality that most of us already are — sometimes before our kids have lost their first tooth.

What I do want to talk about is how we think about it. Because the worry is one thing. The way we carry it — and what we do with it — is another and can have long-lasting implications for our children and our relationship with them. 

In my latest podcast episode, I sat down with Jay McCann, certified college counselor, co-author of The College Finder, and a dad with genuine wisdom and a warm heart for the kids and families he serves. Jay shares insider perspective for parents of children at all ages — not just the ones with seniors. 

This is a must-listen. But if you want the highlights first, keep reading.

The biggest misconception? Your mental map is outdated.

Most of us are navigating this process with a 1995 roadmap. The test-optional movement, holistic admissions, a wildly changed landscape — what you went through isn’t what your child will face. Jay put it plainly: the average test scores and admit rate at Dartmouth in 1995 match the University of Florida today. The world has changed. Our mental picture needs to catch up.

Rankings are someone else’s priorities — not your child’s.

The problem with rankings, Jay says, is that they shift every year and they’re built on criteria that have nothing to do with your kid. The College Finder — built from surveys of hundreds of college counselors across the country — flips the script. Best schools for an introvert? Schools for a kid who loves marine biology? It’s all in there. The goal: widen the list, find the fit, take the temperature down.

You’re not the coach anymore. You’re the consultant.

This was the reframe I didn’t know I needed. A good consultant listens. They know their client’s values. They let the client lead. When parents hover in the portal, rewrite the essays, and insert themselves into every decision — the essays get worse, and the student loses their voice. Colleges notice. They still expect a 17-year-old to sound like one.

Jay’s practical advice: pick one night a week for a college check-in. Ask what progress they’re making, what they need, who’s helping. Then step back. And find your triangle — a college counselor who can hold the questions you don’t want to accidentally put on your kid.

What This Looks Like at Every Age

Ages 2–5 | The tone you set now will matter in 15 years

• Start talking about the future with curiosity and excitement, not urgency. The emotional temperature around “college” starts early.
• Let them make small choices and live with the outcomes — that decision-making muscle is everything later.
• Expose them to the world broadly. Wonder is the foundation of fit.

Ages 6–10 | Widen their world before the pressure starts

• Take a campus tour on your next family trip — zero stakes, just exposure. Kids who’ve seen colleges aren’t intimidated by them.
• Notice what genuinely lights your child up. Those interests become the lens for finding the right fit down the road.
• Resist the urge to pre-rank their future. Jay’s clearest warning: don’t build a list and squeeze your child into it. Build the child first.

Ages 11–15 | Build the habits and structures now

• Start a weekly family check-in before high school, so when college conversations need a home, the structure is already there. (I can coach you on how to start having family meetings. Respond to this email if you’re interested.)
• Let them own more decisions without you rescuing them. The goal, Jay says, is to raise a 35-year-old — not a 19-year-old who still says “we” when they mean “I.”
• Talk about your own college experience — what surprised you, what you loved, what you’d do differently. Make it a conversation about life, not a pipeline to performance.

Ages 16+ | Get out of the driver’s seat

• Check in once a week — not every day. Jay is direct: daily pressure doesn’t motivate teens, it fuels anxiety and secrecy.
• Stay out of their application and essays. When a parent rewrites them, Jay says it reads like “a 40-50 year old lawyer updating their cover letter.” Admissions officers know.
• Reframe the whole conversation around the four-year experience, not the admissions moment. As I said to Jay: the wedding day isn’t the marriage. Getting in isn’t the goal — becoming who they’re meant to be is.

Jay said it better than I could: Don’t build a college list and squeeze your child’s identity into it. Build the child — then find a list that fits them.

Keep the long view.

With you in it, Peyten

PS. Want help with how you’re approaching your child’s academic performance or college admissions? Reply to this email for more details about Strong and Kind Coaching. 

What Bowbend Recommends

What Great Teachers Know That All Parents Can UseA Podcast Built By Teachers, Made FOR Parents.Whether you have a toddler or a teenager, this podcast is a must-listen! Now coming to you 2x per month!

Make the List Fit The Child, Not The Other Way AroundI love the way Jay and his co-author create lists of schools based on traits that match different interests, abilities, and preferences of children. Starting in 8th grade, I’m going to have my child start thumbing through this book!