A few weeks ago, my 12-year-old — almost 13 — left his lunch in my car when I dropped him off at camp at 9 am.

About twenty minutes after drop-off, I was sitting at a stoplight, already running late to an appointment, when I looked down and saw his lunch sitting there.

In that moment, I had a choice.

I could turn around, be even later to the appointment I was already late to, and deliver him his lunch. Or I could choose not to.

I chose not to.

 I chose to believe that my 12-year-old son was capable of being hungry until 2:00 when I picked him up. I chose to believe that a few hours of being uncomfortable might help him learn responsibility. I chose to believe that it was okay for my child not to have everything he needed and that he would be resilient.

And I am glad I chose that.

Because while I was late to my appointment, I made it. I finished my workday. He finished his camp day. And when I picked him up, he smiled and said, “Hi, Mom!” Then he paused and said, “Oh, I forgot my lunch today.” I smiled and said, “I know. It’s in the car if you want it.” He said, “Okay.” And that was that.

No drama. No lecture. No rescue mission.

Just letting the consequence do the teaching.

One of my favorite parenting strategies is this: experience is one of the best teachers.

Of course, there are moments when we absolutely need to step in. We protect our children from danger. We help when the stakes are too high. We support them when they are truly overwhelmed.

But there are also many moments when the kindest thing we can do is let our children feel the weight of a small mistake.

Forgotten lunch. Forgotten homework. Forgotten cleats. A lost water bottle. A chore left undone. A deadline missed.

These moments feel uncomfortable for us because we love our children. But discomfort is not always harm. Sometimes discomfort is the teacher.

This is one of the paradoxes of parenting: we want to help our children, but sometimes the best help is not helping too quickly.

So, in the spirit of this story, I thought I would share a few of my favorite parenting strategies, books, and tools by age and stage. Not because any one strategy works all the time. Not because any one book has all the answers.

But because we all need a few good tools in our parenting toolbox.

Peyten’s Favorites by Age

Ages 2–5

Favorite Parenting Strategy: Limited Choices (Positive Discipline)

Young children need boundaries, but they also need age-appropriate power. Limited choices give children a sense of agency while still keeping the adult in charge.

“Do you want to wear this sweater or this one?”

“Do you want to run to brush your teeth, or do you want me to carry you to the sink?”

“Would you like to put the forks on the table or the napkins?”

This strategy works because both options are acceptable to you. You are not asking, “Do you want to get dressed?” or “Do you want to brush your teeth?” Those things are happening.

But you are giving your child a small place to practice decision-making inside a clear boundary.

That is Strong + Kind.

Favorite Parenting Book: The Paradoxes of Parenting

Okay, yes. I wrote it.

But one of the reasons I wrote The Paradoxes of Parenting is because parents need to remember that boundaries do not limit a child’s freedom. Done well, boundaries create freedom.

Parenting can feel paradoxical at times, and that is ok! 

Favorite Parenting Gear: A Kid-Sized Backpack (we used something like this)

Give them something they can carry.

Their snack. Their water bottle. Their sweatshirt. Their little library book. Their stuffed animal. Their own tiny pile of responsibility.

Will they drop it? Probably.

Will they forget it? Maybe.

Will you still end up carrying it sometimes? Of course.

But start early.

Children become responsible by being given responsibility.

Ages 6–10

Favorite Parenting Strategy: Curiosity Questions (Positive Discipline)

Children in this stage are old enough to reflect, but young enough that shame can shut them down quickly. So when something happens — a sibling fight, a lie, a friendship problem, a bad attitude, a forgotten responsibility — try moving from interrogation to curiosity.

For example, if siblings are fighting, separate them first. Let everyone calm down. Then go to each child privately and ask:

• “What happened?”
• “What happened before that?”
• “Why do you think your sibling responded that way?”
• “If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would you change?”
• “How do you want to make it right?”

Curiosity questions help children build self-awareness. They also keep us from jumping too quickly into lecture mode. And, as a general rule, children learn more when they are thinking than when we are talking.

Favorite Parenting Book: The Opposite of Spoiled

Ron Lieber’s The Opposite of Spoiled is a wonderful book for thinking about children, money, generosity, gratitude, chores, allowance, and responsibility.

I love resources that help parents have practical conversations about character in everyday life. Money is one of those everyday life topics that gives us countless opportunities to teach patience, generosity, wisdom, and self-control.

Favorite Parenting Gear: A Notepad and Pen

This sounds simple, but I think every family needs a place to write things down.

Use it for family meetings.

Use it for chore checklists.

Use it for packing lists.

Use it for “what needs to happen before screen time.”

A notepad and pen can turn a repeated argument into a visible plan.

And sometimes a visible plan saves everyone a lot of words.

Ages 11–15

Favorite Parenting Strategy: Collaborative Problem Solving 

(Positive Discipline)

This is the age when children need parents to shift from “I said so” into more coaching, more conversation, and more shared problem-solving.

That does not mean children are in charge.

It means we are teaching them how to think.

Collaborative Problem Solving/ Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, which shows up in both Positive Discipline and the work ofDr. Ross Greene, helps parents and children work together to solve recurring problems.

The basic idea is this:

You share your concern.

Your child shares their concern.

Then you work together to find a solution that addresses both.

For example, you might say:

“I’ve noticed that homework is getting pushed later and later, and then everyone is stressed at bedtime. My concern is that you are not getting enough sleep and the evenings are becoming tense. What’s going on from your perspective?”

Then listen.

Really listen.

Your child might say they are exhausted after school. Or they hate a certain subject. Or they want downtime before starting. Or they feel like you are always nagging them.

Once both concerns are on the table, you can ask:

“What’s a plan that would help you get some downtime and still protect your sleep?” This is strong because you are naming the problem. It is kind because you are inviting your child into the solution.

Favorite Parenting Books: Raising Human Beings and Are My Kids on Track?

Dr. Ross Greene’s Raising Human Beings is a helpful book for parents who want to move from power struggles into problem-solving. Sissy Goff and David Thomas’s Are My Kids on Track? is another favorite because it gives parents a practical picture of emotional, social, and spiritual milestones. At this age, parents need to know what is normal, what needs attention, and what skills still need to be taught.

Favorite Parenting Gear: Tools That Help Them Own Their Life

Middle schoolers and young teenagers need practice managing life without depending entirely on us or disappearing fully into a device.

A few favorites:

A paper calendar.

A whiteboard calendar.

A daily planner.

A limited phone option.

These tools are not magic. But they create structure.

And structure helps kids practice independence before the stakes get higher.

Ages 16+

Favorite Parenting Strategy: Closet Listening 

(Positive Discipline)

I don’t mean this literally, of course.

I mean the kind of listening that happens when you are nearby but not staring them down.

Sit on the couch.

Watch a show.

Fold laundry near them.

Take them for food.

Do not force the deep conversation.

Just be available.

You might say:

“I just wanted to hang out with you for a few minutes.” And when they talk, try not to judge, defend, correct, explain, or immediately offer a life lesson. Just listen.

You can say: “Thanks for sharing that.”Or:“That makes sense.”Or: “Let me know if you want my thoughts. Otherwise, I’m happy to just be a sounding board.”

Older teenagers still need parents. They just often need us to enter through the side door instead of the front door. Presence matters. Pressure often shuts things down.

Favorite Parenting Books: Wild Things and The Worry-Free Parent

Wild Things is a helpful book for understanding boys and what they need as they grow. The Worry-Free Parent is a beautiful resource for parents who are trying to lead anxious children without letting their own anxiety take over.

And honestly, by the time our children are 16 and older, we need as much help managing ourselves as we do managing them.

Favorite Parenting Gear: Practical Life Tools

Older teenagers need more than advice. They need practical preparation.

A few favorites:

The HERO phone number saved in their phone (if they are driving in ATL)

A lesson on how to change a tire.

A flashlight in the car.

A basic car emergency kit.

A self-defense class.

At this stage, we are not just raising kids.

We should be getting ready to launch a young adult. 

This Week’s Parenting Practice

Choose one strategy from this list and talk about it with your parenting partner or a trusted friend.

Then try one small thing.

And then let me know how it goes. I would love to hear.

With you in it,

Peyten   

PS. If this newsletter helps you think differently about parenting, I would be so grateful if you would forward it to a friend.

The Paradoxes of Parenting Parenting is full of contradictions. Although we long to protect our kids, we also know we must let them go. We want to be in control, but we understand we have to surrender. We want to give them freedom, yet we still set firm boundaries.  Embrace the tensions that define family life and see them not as problems to solve, but as truths to live into.

Help Kids Learn Grammar Without Shame with Patty McGee  New podcast episode this month! Patty McGee, author of Not your Granny’s Grammar, shares tips and tricks for educators and parents in how to support your child in learning this important skill!